Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
