All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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