It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I just blew my weed a kiss
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
