I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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