You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
