I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
