and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
