Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
this beer tastes like vomit already
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
