I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
