dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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