$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
