Moan for me like Helen Keller
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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