did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Damn victory sex feels great
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
