its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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