he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
