its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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