drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
