all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
