hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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