Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
