I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I wish there were birth control emojis
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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