....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Sorry my hands just texted you
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
