I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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