how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
