i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
