take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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