im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
