My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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