dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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