Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
