Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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