The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
