Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
