my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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