I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
