and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Life without a bra equals bliss.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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