im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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