So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
