i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
