i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
