I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
