you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Randomize
