Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
