It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
