Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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