I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
My penis needs a shock collar
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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