When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I would ride that face into the sunset
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
