I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize