I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Come share oat with me in your robe
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
