when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
