I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Randomize
