I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
