He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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