tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
