I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i love accidental penises.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
