the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i can't believe i had my finger in that
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
