I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
