The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
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She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
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They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
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