he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
