It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
